The Gas Pipe
Gas engulfed the auditorium, while parents frantically looked for their daughters. My dance recital was now a room full of parents and kids that look like they are swimming through gas. Standing in my little green tutu not knowing what to do, or where my parents are, I knew I was likely to get stuck in this room and suffocate. Earlier my recital was going fantastic, until a gas pipe broke when a dancer fell while getting changed in the mechanical room. Now here I am waiting until suddenly I can't breathe. I stumble backwards tripping over someones foot and I fall hard.
I really like your story, it has a different take on this weeks prompt.
ReplyDeleteI found the last sentence a bit bumpy, if you switch up a few of the words it will become clearer. Great story!
Just a question! If a dancer was getting changed, why wouldn't they get changed in the change room? Why would someone be in the mechanical room, that just seems a bit bizarre to me. Though I loved the story line of the girl and panicking in what to do.
ReplyDeleteIt's a a fantastic story!
Your story is really creative. It's just a little confusing like what Puga Chan had said. Why was a dancer changing in the mechanical room and not a change room? Try to make that more clear. Instead of saying "Where my parents are." You should say " Where my parents were." It makes it sound clearer. Good story this week!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great opening sentence. I love the word choice. Good job on foreshadowing as you say you are likely to suffocate and then the last lines you can't breath and stumble. Use the feedback left by your peers. Keep up the good writing.
ReplyDelete