Wednesday 4 May 2016

100WC Week #16 By: Soccer Lover


Last Tear

Waiting until dumb detention starts.
"Boy's and girl's, you all know why you're here, correct?"
"Yes," we all said, annoyed.
"Well, you will be finishing your 5 page essay," Mr.Stark stated.
"No!" We all booed.
"Make that your 6 page essay."
As we started to write the dumb essay the tsunami alarm sounded.

*****
Pummelled to the ground, engulfing water, gasping for air. Suddenly I couldn't move, it was at that moment I faded away just like our town full of memories. I cried my last tear for I couldn't say I love you to my mom, dad, and beloved sister.

4 comments:

  1. Your story is really good! But just a few things are that when you say: "Yes," we all said annoyed." I think that you should have a comma after said, which would be like:"we all said, annoyed." And in the story you have a sentence where you wrote "Make that YOU 6 page essay." I think you accidentally wrote "you" in the paragraph, so you can cut that. And also, in the sentence where you say:"Well you will be finishing your 5 page essay." I think that you should have a comma after "well." But other than that your story is really good.

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  2. Great story!
    I'm not really sure if "pummeled to the ground" makes sense because pummelled means to strike repeatedly, typically with fists. Also you spelt pummelled wrong. I love all your descriptive language!

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  3. Good story but when you say make that you 6 page essay it does not make sense to me you might want to and a comma after you it would help.

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  4. Wow, I didn't see that coming!

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