Last Tear
Waiting until dumb detention starts.
"Boy's and girl's, you all know why you're here, correct?"
"Yes," we all said, annoyed.
"Well, you will be finishing your 5 page essay," Mr.Stark stated.
"No!" We all booed.
"Make that your 6 page essay."
As we started to write the dumb essay the tsunami alarm sounded.
*****
Pummelled to the ground, engulfing water, gasping for air. Suddenly I couldn't move, it was at that moment I faded away just like our town full of memories. I cried my last tear for I couldn't say I love you to my mom, dad, and beloved sister.
Your story is really good! But just a few things are that when you say: "Yes," we all said annoyed." I think that you should have a comma after said, which would be like:"we all said, annoyed." And in the story you have a sentence where you wrote "Make that YOU 6 page essay." I think you accidentally wrote "you" in the paragraph, so you can cut that. And also, in the sentence where you say:"Well you will be finishing your 5 page essay." I think that you should have a comma after "well." But other than that your story is really good.
ReplyDeleteGreat story!
ReplyDeleteI'm not really sure if "pummeled to the ground" makes sense because pummelled means to strike repeatedly, typically with fists. Also you spelt pummelled wrong. I love all your descriptive language!
Good story but when you say make that you 6 page essay it does not make sense to me you might want to and a comma after you it would help.
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't see that coming!
ReplyDelete